Yesterday was pretty bad and not because I stayed home and did nothing for once. First off we had a work meeting and even though all signs pointed to it going badly I wasn’t really prepared for how badly it went. I ended up getting into an argument about staffing with my boss and area manager which included them suggesting I transfer stores and plenty of other condescending shit. It hell through me off and while I smoothed things over later it’s still bothering me now. After that I ended up handing in my resume to noodle box haha. Then I went into the city to go to friend’s. I smoked and drank before we left for the show and somehow it like really effected me and I was pretty out of it. When we got to the show one of our friends had a anxiety attack and couldn’t go in which sucked but even worse was how that made my own anxiety skyrocket. So I go in and sure enough there she is with her new boyfriend no less. She looked at me then quickly looked away but I stared right at her, I hate how she makes me feel so much. So I spent the rest of the night disassociating and being a weird stoned mess, touché Amore and turnover were both great I just found it so hard to get into them. Lucky another one of my friends was there and I hung out with him for a bit after which got my mind of things slightly. I’m still alive today, no thanks to you bitch.
Today was meh just hung out then went to work which was a big busy shitty headfuck then on my way home I had so many interruptions. I’m really frustrated at how little I’ve exercised lately and how shitty I’ve been eating due to circumstances. Like I’ve waited so long for my wrist to get better and it feels okay but whenever I put it under press it’s like nope then there’s that piss weak cold and ughhhh I hate it, I’m demotivated as it is without all these mitigating factors.
Today/tonight was pretty good because I got to see smith street band with ceres and Joyce manor. Went with two super cute girls which bolstered the experience substantially, but regardless the bands were all sick with Ceres probably stealing the show early on with an amazing emotional performance. Smith street’s mosh was nuts and they were also excellent, I caught one of that members of Joyce as I was leaving and we chatted for a while which was pretty sick, I came off as not an awkward weirdo which is dope. After that I went to a friends birthday party which was in the middle of winding down as I arrived but the friend in question was so fucked he tried to fight his bin then his own floor which was pretty funny. I thought I saw her eyes as I entered the party but by the time I came round to that side of the yard she was gone so I might’ve been tripping.
Writing this while still slightly inebriated, don’t mind me. Today was a pain in the dickhole, woke up early got everything sorted expected to interview an important guys (at my house now less) and he has to cancel though it was because his dog was sick which super sucks and I can’t blame him. Spent the rest of the day kind of mopey until I had a friend’s birthday party. Didn’t want to go because the guy I was meant to go with was away but I bit the bullet and went anyway and while the first hour was a bit awkward I felt that I found my footing and ended up enjoying myself. Got a lift home and some solid banter with a real top dude who is fun to chat to so that’s cool too. Read something I wish I didn’t since I got home though which sucks, but fuck it, I don’t care, my life is better, and I am better. I wrote a poem while in a mope.
Because your heart is a diamond babe
And the men come in droves
To wretch it from your chest
Be it by money or rose
But when they finally seize it from you
and hold it in their hand
They will throw it away
to the next man
Because your heart may be a diamond babe
protected by a lock
But when shines in their hand
They learn a diamond is still a rock
got like fuck all likes on instagram but I like it so whatever.
“I wish I never had to wash you off my skin”
Today started out pretty well had work with that girl who has been flirty and that kinda continued so yay for the ego boost. But then I got home checked cymbal (a great app if you don’t have it and like music, get it) and saw that my ex blocked me on it. Now it really shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, it just came out of nowhere though like what did I do to deserve that? This irrational train of thought led me to sending her a pretty harsh text and blocking her number. It’s mean but honestly, so is she, and I have no time for it anymore, I don’t need to be triggered like I am pulling away from you just like you fucking want so badly why do something to hurt me? Kick me while I’m down?
But in the end I’m the one in the wrong because I still care, “I know it’s over, still I cling…”
Luckily I have some great friends that do make me smile and this weekend should be pretty lit, will try to post but if not will write a bomb summary on Sunday, love you guys.
It’s 11pm on a Wednesday night and I am starting yet another blog. Starting is the key word here, who knows if I’ll follow through with this but for now I just needed to do something constructive.
I am so lonely these days and I don’t know why, like I spent all day with a good friend so why am I sitting here now hating myself? Why did I just get done walking around aimlessly in the dark because the thought of going into the gym makes me sick?
I just want validation, want to know that I’m special to someone I guess? She gets that in spades and it’s not fucking fair like I try with people and whenever I seem to get close they get all flaky and leave, leaving me there looking like an idiot. All Chantelle has to do is smile and twirl and most guys will be happy to give her their time, I’m not worth anyone’s time.
I don’t know why I feel like I need it so badly like I’m fairly sure I’m okay looking and I had four years of a relationship so surely I’m not that bad but I just want to know that this sinking feeling is in my head and not a manifestation of reality.