11/07/17

Yesterday was pretty bad and not because I stayed home and did nothing for once. First off we had a work meeting and even though all signs pointed to it going badly I wasn’t really prepared for how badly it went. I ended up getting into an argument about staffing with my boss and area manager which included them suggesting I transfer stores and plenty of other condescending shit. It hell through me off and while I smoothed things over later it’s still bothering me now. After that I ended up handing in my resume to noodle box haha. Then I went into the city to go to friend’s. I smoked and drank before we left for the show and somehow it like really effected me and I was pretty out of it. When we got to the show one of our friends had a anxiety attack and couldn’t go in which sucked but even worse was how that made my own anxiety skyrocket. So I go in and sure enough there she is with her new boyfriend no less. She looked at me then quickly looked away but I stared right at her, I hate how she makes me feel so much. So I spent the rest of the night disassociating and being a weird stoned mess, touché Amore and turnover were both great I just found it so hard to get into them. Lucky another one of my friends was there and I hung out with him for a bit after which got my mind of things slightly. I’m still alive today, no thanks to you bitch.

10/06/17

Today/tonight was pretty good because I got to see smith street band with ceres and Joyce manor. Went with two super cute girls which bolstered the experience substantially, but regardless the bands were all sick with Ceres probably stealing the show early on with an amazing emotional performance. Smith street’s mosh was nuts and they were also excellent, I caught one of that members of Joyce as I was leaving and we chatted for a while which was pretty sick, I came off as not an awkward weirdo which is dope. After that I went to a friends birthday party which was in the middle of winding down as I arrived but the friend in question was so fucked he tried to fight his bin then his own floor which was pretty funny. I thought I saw her eyes as I entered the party but by the time I came round to that side of the yard she was gone so I might’ve been tripping.

02/06/17

Today was pretty okay I worked out an interview for my uni assignment and eh not much else until work. The damn SDA movie night was tonight so I had to deal with that bullshit but luckily it quietened down afterwards. After work I went to see the old friends I’ve been seeing a lot lately I got drunk but not too drunk and we talked a lot about deep meaningful shit which I missed so much when I didn’t see them for a while. I’m honestly kind of thrown off right now because I saw a snapchat with her face in it, smiling, sent by a guy who I knew was seedy but is now definitely off my trust list lmao. It’s sickening because it feels like a slap in the face, it’s not her fault, but I just don’t want to know about her life or her general existence the small snippets I can’t avoid are enough for me. It’s never not going to hurt and her not giving a fuck always makes it worse. I hope to God she isn’t there next week, in fact, if there is a small chance you read this Chantelle, please don’t be there next week, I have my lane, you have yours.

Edit 04/06:

Hate myself for using her name and seeming controlling, but it’s better I get that bullshit out on here than take it out in real life I guess.

01/06/17

Today I worked which wasn’t too bad since it’s during the day so my mind was pretty occupied but by the time I got home I was heaps exhausted. This assignment is going nowhere and I can’t even solidify an idea, tutor is gonna eat me alive. After planning who to call tomorrow (if I can stomach it) I went to the gym which I’m happy with. I swear this double chin I’ve been heaps worried about has become smaller which is good. So yeah been kind of up and down emotionally, mostly up though, I think the thought of me being at the same party as my ex next week has me stressed but I still have time to process and deal with it. 

29/05/17

Today was pretty bleak, I woke up late and kind of wandered around the house aimlessly, I have a pretty big uni assignment I should be doing but I haven’t had enough motivation to pull it together yet unfortunately. When mum came home we fell into conversation that ended up lasting hours and going over a lot of how I was feeling about my ex, my sister and just life in general which was a bit sad but cathartic at the same time. Work was pretty gross and dull but I just got done walking off my mood and am feeling pretty okay about tomorrow.

28/05/17

“You never knew anything about pain except how I was supposed to deal with it”

Actually writing this one on the day hallelujah. Today was pretty relaxed I caught up with friends at the gym which I have overdue for now for a long damn time. Wish I had time to like grab coffee or something after but never mind off to work I went. Work was okay it went pretty quick and I was able to stave off any negative thoughts for once.

I think I might be catching feelings for someone and it’s weird because my initial reaction to that is to run away from it because fuck that right? But I’ve been thinking that maybe the reason why I can’t seem to get over my previous relationship while she so easily got over me is because she remained open to feeling for other people whereas I was/am so closed off about it. Like I still want companionship sure but the thought of actually falling in love again is terrifying to me and I’ve blocked those feelings for a long time now. Not saying I’m falling in love, far from it, but maybe I shouldn’t be so resistant to it.

I wish I didn’t feel so dead inside.

24/05/17

Today I only left the house to grab some food and somehow I’m pretty okay with that. The guy I’ve been meaning to interview delayed me ’til 2pm which was annoying but when he finally came and I smashed it out it ended up being a really rewarding conversation now I’m just hoping my story can do it justice. I’ve been chatting to people almost all day so I think that’s helped a lot, if only every day could be like this hey. Not feeling super stoked or anything but I don’t hate that I’ll be alive tomorrow so that’s progress.

Found this really excellent School of Life video about exes, and wow so true, makes me feel guilty for ending things off in such a harsh manner the other week. I still think I’m justified though, considering she has made the new friend situation I had going a bit difficult and she made the initial aggression by blocking me. It was never going to be amicable no matter what, I just can’t handle this like a normal person, so I’ll continue to “handle” it like the dysfunctional mess I am.

18/05/17

“I wish I never had to wash you off my skin”

Today started out pretty well had work with that girl who has been flirty and that kinda continued so yay for the ego boost. But then I got home checked cymbal (a great app if you don’t have it and like music, get it) and saw that my ex blocked me on it. Now it really shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, it just came out of nowhere though like what did I do to deserve that? This irrational train of thought led me to sending her a pretty harsh text and blocking her number. It’s mean but honestly, so is she, and I have no time for it anymore, I don’t need to be triggered like I am pulling away from you just like you fucking want so badly why do something to hurt me? Kick me while I’m down?

But in the end I’m the one in the wrong because I still care, “I know it’s over, still I cling…”

Luckily I have some great friends that do make me smile and this weekend should be pretty lit, will try to post but if not will write a bomb summary on Sunday, love you guys.