31/05/17

Today was spent doing not much, this uni assignment is killing me I know I should be throwing more effort at it I just have no ideas what I’m writing about and no sources want to talk to me. Besides that I went to a friends house with a bunch of other friends and they were all smoking weed but I just drank because I suck at sinking cones haha. It was a good night though I love their company I just hope they like mine too. Just want to listen to tunes for now. 

30/05/17

Today was actually pretty good overall, uni was pretty relaxed though I am feeling the ever-growing weight of assignments towering over me (I have like two subjects though wtf Chris). After uni I caught up with one of my best mates and went to eat the most grossly oversized burger ever, was so worth the pain. Had great conversation and great company so really can’t complain. I’m feeling better about things for now, I’m always waiting to take a dive mentally but at least there is some respite.

29/05/17

Today was pretty bleak, I woke up late and kind of wandered around the house aimlessly, I have a pretty big uni assignment I should be doing but I haven’t had enough motivation to pull it together yet unfortunately. When mum came home we fell into conversation that ended up lasting hours and going over a lot of how I was feeling about my ex, my sister and just life in general which was a bit sad but cathartic at the same time. Work was pretty gross and dull but I just got done walking off my mood and am feeling pretty okay about tomorrow.

28/05/17

“You never knew anything about pain except how I was supposed to deal with it”

Actually writing this one on the day hallelujah. Today was pretty relaxed I caught up with friends at the gym which I have overdue for now for a long damn time. Wish I had time to like grab coffee or something after but never mind off to work I went. Work was okay it went pretty quick and I was able to stave off any negative thoughts for once.

I think I might be catching feelings for someone and it’s weird because my initial reaction to that is to run away from it because fuck that right? But I’ve been thinking that maybe the reason why I can’t seem to get over my previous relationship while she so easily got over me is because she remained open to feeling for other people whereas I was/am so closed off about it. Like I still want companionship sure but the thought of actually falling in love again is terrifying to me and I’ve blocked those feelings for a long time now. Not saying I’m falling in love, far from it, but maybe I shouldn’t be so resistant to it.

I wish I didn’t feel so dead inside.

27/05/17

Ahh sorry everyone late again but I’m still here. I guess the reason I probably forgot to write this was because yesterday was so uneventful. I peeled myself out of bed in the late afternoon and staggered around the house trying to shake off my shocking hangover. I called in late to work but hey I actually worked because I’m not a hypocrite. Work sucked though you know, same problem with working alone at night and being way too trapped with my own thoughts. Once I got home I was still pretty gross but luckily they put Whiplash on Netflix so I was set. I think I love that movie so much because it draws a real subtle line between the characters that have dreams and aspirations and the ones that don’t. That’s probably the difference between whether you like or love Whiplash, whether you can relate to someone sacrificing everything to try and make their dreams a reality.

26/05/17

Writing this still hungover as hell caked in my own spew but what ya gonna do. Yesterday was fairly bland I just worked on my uni assignment and hung around until I had to go to work. Work wasn’t quite as soul crushing as it usually is but I think that’s mainly because I knew I was going out after. After work I went to a friends house to catch up with a bunch of old mates which was good. My mistake was thinking I’m a pirate and thinking I can handle drinking whiskey straight. We went into the city but by that point I was already too far gone to get in anywhere and that is probably for the best. Twas a good night don’t get me wrong I just did not bank on getting thus hammered, gonna go throw up more now.

25/05/17

Today was kind of a pain but not in the wow hate my life kind of way but in the more practical sigh inducing kind of way. Went to uni at ten to try and get this story typed up but made very little progress mainly due to this one group member whose sole job being to write it up dragging his feet. Seeing as I had planned to have it done today it was really annoying for me so I stepped up and ended up writing it out myself. Had a damn headache all night though which hindered any further life progress but eh, what am I gonna do?

 

24/05/17

Today I only left the house to grab some food and somehow I’m pretty okay with that. The guy I’ve been meaning to interview delayed me ’til 2pm which was annoying but when he finally came and I smashed it out it ended up being a really rewarding conversation now I’m just hoping my story can do it justice. I’ve been chatting to people almost all day so I think that’s helped a lot, if only every day could be like this hey. Not feeling super stoked or anything but I don’t hate that I’ll be alive tomorrow so that’s progress.

Found this really excellent School of Life video about exes, and wow so true, makes me feel guilty for ending things off in such a harsh manner the other week. I still think I’m justified though, considering she has made the new friend situation I had going a bit difficult and she made the initial aggression by blocking me. It was never going to be amicable no matter what, I just can’t handle this like a normal person, so I’ll continue to “handle” it like the dysfunctional mess I am.

23/05/17

Today started out okay but I found myself sinking into a sad spiral as it went on. I felt like I could’ve lost it again at work tonight, not because we’re busy or anything but just because I get way too deep inside my head and I feel so trapped and alone. At least when I’m home I can just go for a walk or even jerk off (lol sorry) but at work I just have my phone on mobile data and my iPod which can’t be too loud. Thankfully I messaged a sweet gal and she replied quite promptly which got my head out of that stupid hole. When I got home I took Czech for a walk which also helped clear my head. Working nights is definitely the catalyst to a lot of my really bad depression spells and it’s been a common thread for a lot of my worst moments this year, I wish I didn’t need this job or that I could at least have someone rostered with me to talk to. 

22/05/17

I spent much of today in a kind of depression hangover after falling into kind of a manic state last night. This wasn’t helped by my interview subject bailing on me once again and my car acting up. Luckily my shift at work was quick and relatively painless. I went to my mates house to watch Backlash which brightened my mood quite a bit, both the ppv and my mate haha. I’m weary but hopeful for tomorrow, bad times will come but bad times will always go, thanks for reading whoever you are, getting to vent to you has been really good so far.